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The guilt of not feeling guilty

There is a world cup on.

I religiously following every match. And I feel extremely happy when India wins.

Then a sense of guilt replaces the happiness. For allowing myself to be happy.

I was watching my 2011 cricket DVD when I heard Mola’s loud breathing.

In a sense, my last memory of her and cricket are related.

It should have killed my love for the game. But strangely enough, it didn’t.

But the guilt remains.

I feel a sense of guilt when I enjoy the rides at Universal Studios.

I feel it when I walk into Giant to do my groceries.

I feel it when I cook the recipes she taught me.

There is an irrational conflict – between my sense of guilt and my need to feel happy, occasionally.

I know for sure she wouldn’t want me to wallow in my guilt.

But I can’t help it.

The good thing is that I am not strong enough a man to control my emotions.

So I can’t control the moments when I feel happy too.

At some point, this sense of guilt will go away.

The memories will move from being sad. To being ones I cherish.


I feel I am getting closer. But for now, I live in conflict.

Comments

Plutarch said…
"There are many sick people who accept medicine and others who refuse them; the man who hides the shame of his soul, his desire, his unpleasantness, his avarice, his concupiscence, has little chance of making progress. Indeed, to speak of one's evil reveals one's nastiness; to recognise it instead of taking pleasure in hiding it. All this is a sign of progress."
12:44 pm
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