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The curtain of disbelief

It’s getting to be 3 months now.

I still struggle with believing. I cannot believe Mola is gone.

It’s not like I think she’ll come back. I don’t think this is a bad dream, which I can wake up from.

It’s not an irrational hope.

I is that i cannot believe it happened. To me. To her.

The grief come from that sense of disbelief.

I look at my phone and she’s there. I look at my fridge. Her photos are on it.

She was not just  an integral part of my life. She was my life.

So I cannot get myself to believe that she is no longer in my life.

Someday it will sink in, finally. Suddenly. Without any forewarning.

That day, I’ll cry. A lot.


And with that, may be, just may be, the mourning will be over.

Comments

Anonymous said…
When someone undergoes amputation they experience what is called 'phantom limb syndrome.' After the leg or arm is gone, the body still feels as though it were there. Many amputees still experience pain even though the appendage is gone. Objectively the limb is no longer there, so why is it that the brain still registers sensations? The physical act of severing muscle, bone and nerves from the rest of the body does not immediately translate to relief. The mind is used to having the limb attached and so it still communicates with receptors to the missing limb as though it were still present. Objective acceptance of loss is one thing, but it is the mind that has to gradually adjust to this new reality.

It is one thing to accept the loss of a loved one, to realise that objectively, they are no longer there and they will never come back. It is an entirely different matter to get used to this fact, to live one's life without this person's presence. That takes time. So don't be hard on yourself Dhiren. And you should cry. A lot. Allow yourself to feel pain. Don't run away from it. Don't salve it with distractions or temporary relief. Confront it. Allow yourself the experience of feeling the loss. And then maybe, just maybe, you can begin to move on. Be strong Dhiren. And being strong means allowing yourself to feel weak.
6:52 am
tara kapur said…
Mila is very much part of your life Dhiren. Just in a different way. Love like you both shared or Deepti and I did, doesnt vanish. It remains just on a different plane
9:31 pm
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