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The unrealistic expectation from time

It will be 9 months in a week.

From the day it happened, I’ve had people come and tell me “Time will heal everything”

I found this extremely irritating because it came with the assumption that I wanted to “heal”. That I was “hurt” and I needed healing.

I wasn’t hurt. I had lost.

I had lost the one person for whom I would put my own life at risk. The one person for whom I would give up my ambition, my desires, anything that I held dear to me.

I had lost the most important battle of my life. I had lost Mola to her illness. I had lost Mola to God’s will.

So may be it’s worth considering – I don’t want to heal. I want the scars to remain. I want to remember this bitter fact of life.

I don’t want time to play any role in this healing process. I do my best to remember the beautiful memories I shared with Mola. I do that everyday. But the reality is that it is tough to separate all of those memories from the harsh fact that the last memory was an extremely painful one.

Today; I have re-conciled to the fact that I lost. In this, I now recognize the meaningless-ness of the everyday battles I face, at work and otherwise. I can deal with almost any loss better than I did a year back – I can do my darndest best and then if I lose, I lose. That realization makes me feel a little lighter in my heart.

So no, I do not want time to heal anything. I will carry this hurt with me through my life. I do not have any unrealistic expectation from time to make any modifications to me or the way I think.
Of everything I read about time and grief; this quote made the most sense

“It has been said. Time heals all wounds – I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone”

Rose Kennedy.

But if I am honest; I do have one unrealistic expectation time– of turning back the clock.

But here; time cannot help.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Metaphors help us to better understand what happens in our lives and to make meaning from events. You may want to reconsider some of the metaphors you've written and their implications.

Healing does not mean forgetting. And old injuries will continue to ache. The point of 'healing' is to recover from trauma. The opposite of healing is to remain sick. You could choose to carry the hurt with you throughout your life. And your guilt for having survived, maybe even a niggling doubt you didn't fight hard enough, can keep you company. Maybe the hurting is proof of a life you lived with a person who is now gone, which is why you want to hold on to it. If the hurting is gone, then she is gone.

You can choose to keep an open wound Dhiren. But open wounds do not scar.
9:55 am
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