Skip to main content

The guilt about feeling better

It is getting better.

In the past couple of months; I have started to feel the blood rush through my veins again. The feeling of numbness has been replaced with a sense of normalcy.

I’ve met some people who have given me their time, love and efforts to help re-build my life. My best friends have been the pillar that prevented me from falling. Their contributions merit a separate blog, which I will pen down soon.

Work has been hectic to the point of being crazy. It has taken its toll. I had to visit the doctor for tension headaches. I always prided myself in soaking up the stress at work; but as it turns out, I was wrong.

My personal life has started to look up. I have met people who are willing to share a part of their life and give me their time; whenever I need it. My colleagues at work have become friends, going out of their way to ensure that I keep my spirit up. They too deserve a separate blog for their efforts.

As I sit in this small little hotel room in Munich at 6 am on a Saturday morning, I feel conflicting emotions – feeling better and then feeling guilty about it.

I feel guilty about smiling and laughing because she is not around.

I feel guilty about travelling to new places because I could not take her with me.

I feel guilty about eating that great burger I know she would have enjoyed.

I feel guilty about feeling better.

The thing is I never imagined my life without Mola. From the day we got married to the day she passed away, she was my assurance. An assurance of the fact that no matter what happens in life, she will be around.

We had planned a fab 2016 – visiting Ash and Shaheen, going to Gaurav’s convocation, getting Uncle’s new furniture shop started, going to Bali.

I have tried to do some of these things as a silent fulfilment of our plans together.

The Oktoberfest trip is actually the first real trip I have taken this year, just for myself.

It has been awesome. When I sat in that beer garden on Thursday with the 1st beer in hand, I felt genuinely happy.

But I also felt a sharp sense of guilt. About enjoying myself without her around.

The only solace I get is from a question that my psychologist asks me “What would Mola want you to be”


And my answer is HAPPY.

Comments

Anonymous said…
You may want to ask yourself what it means to be 'happy.' And whether the choices you have made since Mola passed away are making you 'happy.' There are many ways for you to validate a life, your life, other than work. You might want to think about what those other inclinations are. I doubt soaking up stress to the point of landing in the hospital is one of them. Maybe you are feeling guilty for the simple fact that you are alive and she is not. Which is why you are punishing yourself, perhaps unconsciously. It is nobody's fault that she is no longer with you. Least of all yours. All living things perish, this is why our lives have meaning. Our loved ones are not ours. They come. They go. We must make peace with that.
1:18 pm
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Revolution 2020 - The Alternate Ending

Chapter 42 On March 1, I worked a lot harder than I normally do. I went through the mid-term results that Dean Srivastava brought over. I met with Bedi to discuss plans for the institution moving into engineering and MBA. I met with every student; every staff member who knocked on my door. I did everything to not look at that one card that Raghav had sent through in my mail a week back. But I couldn’t avoid it. Every 10 minutes; my eyes automatically glanced at it. And none of what anyone said registered in my head. The message on the card just kept coming back to me Mrs and Mr Anil Kashyap Invite the pleasure of your company For the wedding of their beloved son Raghav With Aarti (D/O Mrs and Mr Pratap Brij Pradhan, DM) At 8 p.m. On March 1, 2010 Poolside Lawns Taj Ganga, Varanasi I scheduled a visit to Shuklaji that evening. It was my way of ensuring that I wouldn’t be tempted to land up at the Taj Ganga. God knows I did!! I wanted ...
65 comments
Read more

Sunday Morning Musings: "Cannes" the Journey Have Been Better?

Having just returned from the French Riviera, I have no intention of adding to the already exhausted chorus of post-Cannes euphoria or critique. Instead, staying true to my passion with the evolution of words , I have chosen to look at Cannes through a historical lens to trace how a modest gathering of cinema publicists transformed into a sun-kissed show of global capitalism. I. The Venetian Genesis and the Moving Image (1954–1983) The roots of the festival originate in the post-World War II media landscape, specifically within the domain of cinema screen advertising. The 1954 Inauguration: A group of international cinema screen advertising contractors belonging to the Screen Advertising World Association (SAWA) organized the inaugural International Advertising Film Festival in Venice, Italy. The Search for Validation: Inspired by the rapid rise of the Cannes Film Festival, SAWA sought a parallel platform. They believed that those who created commercial films deserved the same artis...
Post a Comment
Read more

Willow vs. Warheads - 40 years of geopolitical theatre on a cricket field.

For the last one week, I and few million cricket fans have been waiting in anticipation for this India Pakistan world T20 clash. While this has always been the pinnacle of excitement for fanatics on both sides of the border, the recent geo political tensions have added uncertainty, trepidation and bite to an already tense on-field enmity. It was this context that got me thinking about the progress (or lack of it) of this spectacular rivalry over the last 40 years. Decade Focus Statistical Trend Political Environment 1980s Sharjah Dominance Pakistan Advantage Brasstacks & Zia Diplomacy 1990s World Cup & Neutrality Pakistan (ODI) / India (WC) Kargil & Nuclear Tests 2000s Friendship & Rupture Parity / India Growth 2004 Tour to 2008 Attacks 2010s Isolation & ICC Dominance India Dominance...
Post a Comment
Read more