I am awake at this hour, pretending to work. My sub conscious mind has found that to be an acceptable reason to keep me awake at this hour.
On most days now; i am asleep at least an hour earlier.
But today; i don't get sleep. I stay awake. It's been 8 months to this hour.
It's getting better. I feel lesser pain today than i did 2 months back.
But there are some things about that night; that phase of our lives which just throw me off.
Like the sight of an emergency ambulance. I sat in one; praying for her to be revived.
Like the sight of the Alexandra hospital; which i have to cross once every few days.
The sight of her insulin injections. Or any insulin injection in a pharmacy.
Even some of the happy memories have turned sad. I can't get myself to go to a Carl's Jr anymore. And i will never enjoy the Madagascar ride in Universal again.
It's quite crippling - this dichotomy. I love going to Marche's, Universal, the Marks & Spencers bakery. Places she loved; because they remind me of her.
But they also remind me that she is not around.
I'll never go to these places with another person. They were our memories and i'll keep them that way.
But it's hard to re-visit them. Because that empty seat across me just breaks me down; right to the gut.
I close my eyes on some days and pray the clock turns back. That this bad dream ends.
Hopefully some day; it will.
On most days now; i am asleep at least an hour earlier.
But today; i don't get sleep. I stay awake. It's been 8 months to this hour.
It's getting better. I feel lesser pain today than i did 2 months back.
But there are some things about that night; that phase of our lives which just throw me off.
Like the sight of an emergency ambulance. I sat in one; praying for her to be revived.
Like the sight of the Alexandra hospital; which i have to cross once every few days.
The sight of her insulin injections. Or any insulin injection in a pharmacy.
Even some of the happy memories have turned sad. I can't get myself to go to a Carl's Jr anymore. And i will never enjoy the Madagascar ride in Universal again.
It's quite crippling - this dichotomy. I love going to Marche's, Universal, the Marks & Spencers bakery. Places she loved; because they remind me of her.
But they also remind me that she is not around.
I'll never go to these places with another person. They were our memories and i'll keep them that way.
But it's hard to re-visit them. Because that empty seat across me just breaks me down; right to the gut.
I close my eyes on some days and pray the clock turns back. That this bad dream ends.
Hopefully some day; it will.
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